When I was pregnant the thought of losing my sense of self was a scary one, and I was determined to go through pregnancy, birth and new motherhood still the same as before. Unfortunately it does change you, but I think for the better, because I have now realised that I am still my own person, just with a few improvements and a lot more life experience. I have learned a lot about myself in this past year, and actually become proud of myself and who I am.
I used to spend 24/7 with my daughter in her early days and weeks, we were bonded, like so many say 'the motherbaby' because throughout the fourth trimester a baby's needs for her mother are so great and they are almost the same entity. But slowly Reegan has grown, the transition of her starting on solid foods once she could sit up, leading to her crawling and now almost walking has really helped in healing my broken state of mind. Don't get me wrong I love being a parent and being depended on by this incredible little person is a privilege, but it really drains you, emotionally and physically. Our breastfeeding journey is almost at it's end, and whilst I feel ecstatic to have gotten this far after all the difficulties at the start, I feel it is the last step between the most challenging babyhood and new toddler independence (?!). I already am feeling different because I have more freedom to dress as my truer self and not think that as a mum I shouldn't be wearing baggy jeans and boring cardigans. I dont feel bad leaving her to dye my hair, and I put on makeup more often than not now, which is a big thing because when I felt like I didn't have the time to put it on or was too tired and it really made me feel shitty and a bit alien. Being back at work has also given me encouragement to focus on persuits outside of my domestic comfort zone. I have goals now. I'll share them with you in the hopes that it will keep me on track!
- Attempt making my own clothes like I have been promising myself for so long
- Book some driving lessons! This is a hard one though because I still feel apathetic towards the notion of it and still am not sure if I have room in my life for it right now.
- Buy that German language course that has been sitting in my Amazon "save it for later" for more than a year.
- Carry on working on the dolls house. Something I have not seen to for some time now.
- Start writing again. I have projects that I never finished from about 3 years ago, and finally I have decided to resurrect my plans for publishing. I'm sory of doing market research at the moment. It really is my lifelong dream to be published. I have been writing since I was about six.
Wish me luck?
Don't put too much pressure on yourself! I think what you are going through is normal and good for you to try and juggle your personal needs along with your child's. It gets easier, I promise. Hang in there sweetie and never be shy if you need to talk!
ReplyDeleteThankyou! Thats good to know!lol. I mean it already has gotten a lot easier than it was, but sometimes I look forward to her being 4 or 5 but then I feel guilty for wishing away her babyhood!
DeleteI have heard it is not that uncommon to lose yourself a bit in early motherhood but as the baby gets older you will hopefully get more time to yourself. You definitely still have cool style!
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DeleteHaha thankyou! And I am starting to feel lile that already, as my daughter is now able to crawl around the room and play independently now and actually wriggles for me to put her down rather than wanting to be held all the time :)
DeleteI think this is a very common thing, and probably just as it should be or the human race just wouldn't survive. But I'm glad you feel like you are finding your way back to yourself, the second most important thing in your life. And I wish you the best of luck in your endeavors!
ReplyDeleteI think so too, people just don't talk about it enough. Nobody wanta to admit they're struggling and everyone wants to appear perfect. But thankyou :)
DeleteI think so too, people just don't talk about it enough. Nobody wanta to admit they're struggling and everyone wants to appear perfect. But thankyou :)
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