Monday, 9 February 2015
As we are now in the second month of the year, I thought it was about time for a little update on where my Batfit progress stands. I really don't know where the time has gone just lately. I feel like I am floating in a strange limbo of time feeling like everything around me is moving too quickly but I am moving too slowly. I don't know how it is February already but at the same time Christmas feels as if it were far behind me. I'm going to be very honest here, because I haven't really been able to talk about it much to anyone, but it took one simple question from my health visitor for me to break down and realise what was going on: are you ok? No. Postnatal depression has crept up behind me and tainted everything. It's ok because I'm getting help now, I'm not going to say any more about it except that I am waiting for some cognitive behavioural therapy and just trying to get on with everything else.
I went to my first ever pilates class last night, and walked out at the end of it feeling refreshed a little bit rejuvenated. It took alot of guts for me to walk in there and participate in exercise in front of people I don't know. Ever since I was made fun of in PE at school I have been terrified and ashamed to exercise, especially in front of people. But I did it, and I enjoyed it. And for that one hour I lost myself in my concentration, focused on correct breathing and positioning and not thinking about anything else at all. Not even about my baby, for that one hour I was not a mum, nor a girlfriend, a responsible adult or a depressed one. For that one hour I was free to just be. Exist without worry or guilt or any other shitty feeling I have experienced lately. It was peaceful.
I hope to keep going every week, as well as take Saturday mornings for myself to do things on my own. These little things are my light at the end of the tunnel and my first step back to normality. I also go out walking every day, at least once to go and get my fresh fruits and veggies (ok mostly veggies, I don't like fruit that much) and we normally walk the dog in the evenings too. So I'm getting a reasonable amount of exercise, eating my greens, and doing a bit of soul searching. We will get there, in the end.