When I was pregnant the thought of losing my sense of self was a scary one, and I was determined to go through pregnancy, birth and new motherhood still the same as before. Unfortunately it does change you, but I think for the better, because I have now realised that I am still my own person, just with a few improvements and a lot more life experience. I have learned a lot about myself in this past year, and actually become proud of myself and who I am.
I used to spend 24/7 with my daughter in her early days and weeks, we were bonded, like so many say 'the motherbaby' because throughout the fourth trimester a baby's needs for her mother are so great and they are almost the same entity. But slowly Reegan has grown, the transition of her starting on solid foods once she could sit up, leading to her crawling and now almost walking has really helped in healing my broken state of mind. Don't get me wrong I love being a parent and being depended on by this incredible little person is a privilege, but it really drains you, emotionally and physically. Our breastfeeding journey is almost at it's end, and whilst I feel ecstatic to have gotten this far after all the difficulties at the start, I feel it is the last step between the most challenging babyhood and new toddler independence (?!). I already am feeling different because I have more freedom to dress as my truer self and not think that as a mum I shouldn't be wearing baggy jeans and boring cardigans. I dont feel bad leaving her to dye my hair, and I put on makeup more often than not now, which is a big thing because when I felt like I didn't have the time to put it on or was too tired and it really made me feel shitty and a bit alien. Being back at work has also given me encouragement to focus on persuits outside of my domestic comfort zone. I have goals now. I'll share them with you in the hopes that it will keep me on track!
- Attempt making my own clothes like I have been promising myself for so long
- Book some driving lessons! This is a hard one though because I still feel apathetic towards the notion of it and still am not sure if I have room in my life for it right now.
- Buy that German language course that has been sitting in my Amazon "save it for later" for more than a year.
- Carry on working on the dolls house. Something I have not seen to for some time now.
- Start writing again. I have projects that I never finished from about 3 years ago, and finally I have decided to resurrect my plans for publishing. I'm sory of doing market research at the moment. It really is my lifelong dream to be published. I have been writing since I was about six.
Wish me luck?